Silver
I was the new guy in class. 6th grade. Actually I studied at the same school for 4 years. Later my family moved with my father during his Masters studies for two years after which we returned. While most of them were familiar faces, I still felt like a new guy. Two years at that young age is a lot. You grow and change rapidly. Also, I had lost touch with all the Kannada I had learned as a kid and was stuck with English to converse with classmates fluently. Apart from these, there was one very big noticeable change in me. I was very self conscious while interacting with girls. Never comfortable to initiate or sustain a conversation. Only small talks mostly regarding home works and stuff. Most if not all of the girls agreed to the same arrangement. Most, except for this one.
I don’t know why but I felt as if she understood what was in my head instead of assuming I didn’t talk to girls because I had too much of an “attitude”. Honestly, I wouldn’t have known “attitude” if it came and smacked me right in my face. But this girl. She took the initiative. She made me feel comfortable to talk to her. When I say talk, I mean the minimum to qualify as a friend. I was no where near to talking and sharing things like normal people do with anyone, not even guys. A closed book if you may. But there she was, making me feel comfortable with all the sweetness that she was.
Red cheeks and always jovial. A lefty. For a while she used to sit on the bench in front of mine. As you would expect, I was not into gossips (ughh.. how boring was I? -_-). But she, she talked. A lot. At least when compared to me. I still remember the day when we had a free class. Talking about god knows what, she mentions that so and so had a crush on so and so. Kid you not, I was like “Heh? Crush? Why doesn’t that sentence make any sense? Did she beat him? ”. As if she read my mind, she gave a smile and asked if I knew what “crush” meant. My weird silence gave it away. Yup, she taught me what “crush” meant. Now that I was equipped with that knowledge, she ratted out so many people :P. So many people having crushes on many others, across sections and classes forming an ever complicated network and many to one functions to keep track of.
She was awesome. She made me realize girls can be friends too (yup, dumb me didn’t know that before or rather, chose not to know). She made me feel comfortable enough to join along with a couple of other guys to play cricket and other games with girls while the rest of the guys found it weird. That’s a big jump you see. I remember on one of the year-end report card days, her parents congratulated me and asked her to see my card or something. She replied with a smile “Now please don’t make me feel jealous of him.”. She was pure.
Time.. Some Time..
It’s just another regular day but she isn’t there in the class. I hear she fell sick the previous day. I don’t give it much thought.
Days.. Many many days..
She is still not attending school regularly. Whom should I ask what happened to her? If I sound worried, wouldn’t it be weird? I just hear what’s floating around the class that she might not be returning soon. Can I call her? Can I visit her? Where does she even live? I don’t even mention what was going through my mind to my mom.
Perhaps I should have.
Time.. A lot of time.. Don’t know how much..
Just another day. I have to meet my class teacher for some work (stupid monitor duties). I am in the corridor and walking towards, I see the teacher is talking to somebody’s mom. I reach them ready to wait for them to finish their conversation. My eyes turn and suddenly stop with surprise. There she was! As pretty as I remember her. Red cheeks. Big smile. But now with shorter hair. In a wheelchair.
I can’t put it in words. That smiling face beaming with all her sweetness. She waves at me. Smiles at me.
What did I feel in that moment? I really don’t remember. I just remember her.
She was coming back to school! She was coming back! Whom should I tell how excited I am? Damn it. No one. Me sounding excited would be so weird right?
She was back. She was back to being my friend. Her mom used to pick her up after school.Maybe we didn’t talk with each other much as usual, but she was my friend. She used to wave me good bye with a smile as I left the classroom to catch my bus. She was always surrounded by her friends. But she always managed to wave a good bye as I left. In fact, it was me who would sometimes just dash out to catch my bus or something and forget to wave her good bye. The next day, she would be angry, not talk and even turn away. Demanded an apology :) It was as if everyone had a similar opinion of her. Sweet and friendly.
Time.. Some time.. Some day..
If I am not wrong, I wasn’t at school. Must have been a holiday. Phone rings. Mom picks up and someone on the phone informs, SHE IS NO MORE. They are planning to visit her home.
I never told my mom about her and how she was my friend. I never shared anything with anyone. I was confused. I was dry. What does “NO MORE” even mean? My mom went to visit her home later. Didn’t take me. Didn’t want me to see anyone like that. Maybe if I had told her she would have taken me?
They announce the same in morning assembly the next day. Class teacher too addresses everyone to make sure everyone is alright. Girls are crying.
What did I feel in that moment? I really don’t remember. I JUST REMEMBER HER.
Time.. Lot of time.. Years now..
Life Happened.
You know, if anything this COVID-19 has taught us all is that nothing is to be taken for granted. Not the routine, not the places right in your city you didn’t visit because you felt you could visit it any day, not the restaurants you love and most importantly, not people. I look back at the entire story I just shared with nothing but a feeling of myself being STUPID. SO VERY DAMN STUPID.
“If I sound worried, wouldn’t it be weird?”
“Can I call her?”
“Can I visit her?”
No you moron! It wouldn’t have been weird. Even if others felt that way, who cares?
Yes! I should have called her! Maybe even visit her. She was my goddamn friend!
“Should I have told her that she is amazing?”
YES! YES! and IDIOT! YES!
You have no idea how much I regret not doing any of those things. How much I regret not telling her she is amazing. How she was a really good friend. Not telling THANK YOU! Sometimes this story feels so cinematic that I worry if most of it was cooked up in my head and nothing close happened in reality. Who knows? It’s been so long. It might as well be. But its nonetheless a lesson learned.
I was a kid back then. I didn’t know shit. I can’t go back even if I wanted to correct a few things but it’s understandable. I was just a kid.
BUT NOW?
I have learned a couple of important things over the years. The regret of “What if” is the worst kind. And letting people know they are amazing when you feel it, is OK! Even if they didn’t expect to hear it from you, TELL THEM! Maybe they will reply with a “Ok, Thank you.” and momentarily make you feel embarrassed but who cares? The worst you have done is to make them feel good about themselves. Let people know you like them. Your parents, siblings, friends and yeah, even “crushes”.
So yeah. If there was any time I felt you were awesome but for some unknown and known reasons I didn’t let you know, YOU WILL BE HEARING FROM ME SOON.
She taught me an important lesson. To be so good and the best version of yourself whom people will silently remember will all good memories. As I can’t tell her all of these things now, I can only hope to feel better by telling you this.
She was sweet.
She was amazing..
