Senseless Transaction
Why dowry is the stupidest thing in a marriage..
I would classify certain societal norms and practices into two groups. One, which either makes sense logically or doesn’t make any logical sense but is silly or sometimes even cute enough that it’s okay to follow. And then there is a second category which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, ethically or any which way and is just appalling. I just wanted to share my opinions on one such practice belonging to the latter category. Dowry.
Being 23 (rounding it off to the greatest integer less than or equal to :P), I am at a stage where I often get to hear about some close relative, friend, acquaintance or even acquaintance of acquaintance who is getting married or about to get married. And along with this comes the information about this stupid transaction that both parties agreed to or are “negotiating” about (lol!). Yes, dowry! And I start thinking, WHY?! I’ll tell you why I feel this is the most stupid thing about a marriage logically, leaving aside the fact that it is factually an offense. I mean, anybody even with a tiny brain can see that this practice makes no sense, not at least in the way it is interpreted in modern times. Here are a couple of examples from the stories I have heard in recent times which I’ll use to make my point.
Case 1: Parents of the girl — Well educated and prosperous. Searching for a groom. Found an IITian who is also a Top ranker in Civil services exam. The groom’s side asked for tens (plural!) of lakhs in money, a house and God knows what else. And the girl’s parents agree.
Case 2: Guy, a doctor in the making loves a girl. Informed his parents. His parents asked for dowry hoping they will get back what they “invested” in his education. I don’t know if the deal went through.
Case 3: Guy’s parents ask for some amount in dowry. Why that much amount? Because that’s the market value now, as in that’s what others are getting or paying these days.
Case 4: The girl’s parents “give” money and a lot of other valuable stuff “AS DOWRY” because? STATUS!
If the glaring stupidity in the above examples hasn’t caught your eye yet, let me throw some light on it for you. I used to think illiteracy and orthodoxy is the reason for dragging this stupid practice even into the 21st century. Apparently it’s not.
Case1. What is the use of your education, you studying from IITs and topping Civil services if you want to use it to extract as much material gain as possible from another person? What can be expected of a “Civil Servant” who exploits his own prospective relation for money? Clearly indicative of the fact that he is going to exploit everybody whom he should be serving as a Civil “SERVANT”. On the other side, what is the use of your education if you are WILLING to accept these whims? The only logical reason I can think of is “If I pay this guy this much now, he is more than capable of earning multifold albeit by ill means. So it is a good return on investment for my daughter.” I don’t know what to feel about all this but to doubt myself for valuing education a lot. It teaches nada if people inherently have a brain of the size of peanuts or if their core values don’t care about ethics and morals.
Case 2. Seriously dude? You love her for God’s sake! Will you just be standing there while your parents portray you as a property in which they invested with the hope to get it back someday from the person that YOU LOVE?! Where is the self respect and where is that goddamn use-for-nothing education?
Case3. Classic case where the guy is being marketed as a product that is in demand and hence needs to be purchased at a competitive price.
Case4. Lol.. I thought if you have so much money, you will be willing to help your daughter and her husband in case of need. Not showcase it to the society. Its like buying an iPhone and using a back cover with a punched hole that will let everybody else see the Apple logo. “Hey look you peasants, I bought something for my daughter. Just letting you know I am rich enough and can afford these THINGS”.
My point being, this practice had a different context when it was used in the past. Girl’s parents helped her to set up a home along with the guy by giving them a few necessities. When girls were prohibited from inheriting property, her share (a fraction unlike now when girls have equal shares) was given to the groom. They gave her valuable assets to maintain her independence if required. It was more of a pleasant practice, something like gifting someone a birthday present unlike what it is being used for these days. Society has morphed the practice to either exploit one party or showcase status by willingly agreeing or even forcing this transaction. None of this makes sense in the 21st century. So I have the following to say:
If you are a parent of a guy: Your son is NOT a product you should be selling for money. He is NOT an investment you can reap benefit from. In fact, you are getting someone who is supposed to keep him and you happy. There is no high ground for you here. And no, the society at large doesn’t care and even those who do expect you to be smug because you OWN a guy are indirectly insulting your parenthood and your son.
If you are a parent of a girl: You don’t need to BUY a service to look after your daughter. Either she is capable of taking care of herself like most girls are or she will be going to a place when she will be contributing her fair share in the family. She is not a thing that you need to get rid of by incurring monetary expense (I cringe even saying this). And no, you don’t need to show society that you have enough money to buy a costly groom for your daughter. Don’t be stupid. Your girl is amazing enough that someone will come along for your permission to associate themselves with your family.
If you are a girl: I know your ego doesn’t like it when your parents pay someone to take care of you. Stick with that ego! Don’t let any transaction happen in your name. Your parents can always help you and your guy out when in need. It shouldn’t be in the form of dowry. Don’t let your parents brag their wealth to the society by buying you a costly groom. This stupidity needs to stop. Don’t be okay with it.
And finally if you are a guy: Have some self respect for God’s sake. Don’t just stand there while you are being SOLD to someone. You should be either capable of taking care of your family yourself and have enough closeness to ask for help when in need. Don’t start a relationship with someone who is going to be your world one day by making her parents miserable. If your parents are being stupid, tell them so! You are grown enough to be married, you are grown enough to tell your parents when they are wrong. I am sure (or hope) they love you enough to respect your values. Politely but strongly decline any such offers if the girl’s parents are willingly proposing to buy you and “your services”. They are giving their daughter to you and you should only wish and hope she will make you happy.
I am proud and lucky enough to have parents who are strongly (very very strongly) against this appalling practice. My views are derivative of theirs. It’s okay if in your case, your parents are being orthodox or feeling societal pressure. It’s not difficult to have a pleasant talk and stop them from feeling so. At the end of the day, a happy family is what you are seeking. Make sure that it is not built on a monetary transaction. It’s not a business.
I’m just hoping this will start some thinking process among you to change your view if it needs changing. Even the educated ones among you seem to have a problem grasping this simple concept.
For those who don’t have such values and depend on fear to do the right thing, here is something for you:
Peace!
